Alan Partridge — TV personality, chat show king and radio legend — has been imparting his wisdom to the world for over 30 years.
From his days as a sports reporter with On the Hour to his current affairs show This Time with Alan Partridge, Alan (Steve Coogan) has always been one to speak his mind.
Here are Alan's best quotes over the years...
Alan Patridge on food
"I've been eating some mousse"
"Smell my cheese!"
"I would wake up in the middle of the night and eat an entire Toblerone. And I don’t mean a small one, I mean a medium-sized one"
"That's the best full English breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding"
"The temperature inside this apple turnover is 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it a jet of molten bramley apple is going to squirt out. Could go your way, could go mine."
Alan on relationships
"Fernando, you're 22 years old and you're spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you're wasting your life. It's a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly."
"My girlfriend's 33, I'm 47 — she's 14 years younger than me, back of the net!"
"Let battle commence"
"Jill, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich City Centre? I'll be honest I’m dead against it. People forget that traders need access to DIXONs!"
"Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot."
Alan on James Bond
"I wanted to watch Roger Moore necking with Fiona Fullerton. And instead, I have to watch a giant Michael Bolton lookalike, in a tight vest, throwing an oven over bales of hay."
"Stop getting Bond wrong!"
"Aha Mr Bond, I've been expecting you, which I had" [says an angry Alan after Roger Moore failed to turn up for his interview on Knowing Me, Knowing You].
Alan wisdom and ideas
"Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave."
"I'm going nowhere Lynn. Quite literally, I'm on the ring road. Third time round."
"Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it?"
"Let me tell you something about The Titanic: people forgot that on the Titanic's maiden voyage, there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg."
Alan on TV and film
"Idea for a television programme based on Michael Palin's Pole to Pole except I circumnavigate the globe only driving through countries where they drive on the left. I'd do it in a lovely old bullnose Morris. We could call it Around the World with Alan Partridge in a bullnose on the left."
"Idea for a programme entitled yachting mishaps. Some funny, some tragic"
"A detective series based in Norwich called Swallow. Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. He's not a criminal, you know, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly."
"Arm wrestling with Chas & Dave"
"Monkey tennis"
[on the Beatles best album] "I think I'd have to say The Best of the Beatles"
"Jurassic Park!"
"Jack-a-nack-a-nory!"
