1. SNACK ATTACK!
Watching GBBO without snacks is a rookie error. As all those twelve-layered wedding cakes, jam-packed doughnuts and pouty profiteroles drift before our eyes, TV Times and millions of others will instantly regret not popping into Tesco on the way home…
2. THE NATION WILL BE OUTRAGED BY SOMETHING TOTALLY INNOCUOUS …
Like throwing a Baked Alaska in the bin. Outrageous!
3. SILENT ASSASSIN MARY WILL BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART…
Mary Berry is the nice judge. That’s her thing. But if she doesn’t think you’ve put enough summer fruit in your pavlova you may well find yourself on the end of a steely stare no amount of kind queenly smiles can hide. On average, a Berry Blast is ten times deadlier than a Hollywood Huff.
4. AT LEAST ONE BAKER WILL SECRETLY RAGE AT MEL OR SUE…
We love Mel and Sue, but if we had spent an hour making 24 identical shortbread biscuits in the shape of Tower Bridge, we’d be pretty peeved when they kindly point out one or two look a little bit like a gentleman's private parts.
5. SUGARY SUPER-STRUCTURES WILL WOW US ALL – APART FROM PAUL…
A perfect pastry replica of the Eiffel Tower may well make the nation gasp as one but Hard-Knocks Hollywood is guaranteed to be barking, "Style over substance!" within seconds of the unveiling.
6. YOU'LL COVET A FANCY FOOD MIXER…
They look so pretty on the worktops. You'll also decide Pastel kitchenware is definitely the way forward, along with ovens with disappearing doors.
7. THE WORLD WILL SEEM A BETTER PLACE FOR AN HOUR EVERY WEEK…
Everyone is so nice on the Bake Off! And there are squirrels! And lovely people are making cakes for us all to drool over! And isn’t Mary Berry an inspiration to us all?! World peace is only a macaroon away…
