This morning my nostrils were filled with the acrid (and slightly sweat-laced) stench of excited freaks.
And I'll tell you why - because that dreadful show Glee has a third series and it's forcing its screeching noises and ugly faces into our living rooms tonight.
If you wish to protect your ears and eyes from this horror (and your nose from the aforementioned smell), I suggest you buy yourself an eye mask, a set of expensive ear plugs, some powerful room plug-ins and let a bunch of greedy shrimps chew your dead foot skin for an hour.
How this dreadful show has come to be so popular I can only explain by pointing the finger at recent economic hardship and a misguided urge to escape into fantasy.
But asking someone to believe in a fantasy, no matter how comforting, is cruel.
Children must know fear. Without it, they'll try snogging swans or dipping their French fries in oven cleaner.
My biggest concern is that the Glee tie-in-film hasn't yet been made, unlike that slightly less torturous singing and dancing teens show from the 1980s - The Kids From Fame, which was spawned by a film about youngsters dancing in leg warmers on top of a car.
http://youtube.com/v/hFSMLdmkdTM Glee: The 3D Concert Movie), but it was just a concert video featuring those weird-looking losers screeching out a load of cheesy, gut-churning songs. It didn't even bother to balance out the misery with an appearance from the show's only true star Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch).
So, since this wasn't a proper movie, I fear that horror awaits. Who knows, with this third monstrosity poised to torture eardrums here and over in the States, somebody - probably somebody talentless with a bum chin and curly hair - could be cramming a slopbucket of showtunes into a 90 minute feature as I speak - ready to suck all the world's freaks and geeks into popcorn-scented darkrooms to screech along like the obligatory tone deaf kid in the school nativity play.
Luckily, I am wary, cautious and alert, and if I get the faintest whiff of additional stale creased chin sweat, hair margarine or sulphurous teen diva breath in the air, I'll respond in a flash to launch my own online sick bag store, where you'll be able to purchase an attractive range of functional vomit sacks in all shapes, colours and sizes to be used any time, any place, anywhere.
Glee Season 3 starts tonight - 22nd Sept - on Sky 1 at 9pm, but you'll be relieved to know that most large supermarkets will stock the necessary protection.
NB: The views in this post do not reflect the normal day to day views of Couch Potato - she loves Glee. She's just been temporarily possessed by the views of Sue Sylvester today.
