This post contains mild spoilers for this season of The Bachelorette.
My sister is a truly amazing person. She has two incredible kids, a wildly successful career, and an absolute dedication to reality TV shows that I rarely understand. But 2020 is a strange year; it's been a long and terrible time with far too many spare hours to fill with inane viewing. So a couple of weeks ago I put on The Bachelorette at her behest. It was a drama-filled time as the titular single woman abandoned the show and its hunks for a man she fell in love with in 12 days. It was interesting to see the show's format fall apart, but seeing as the series airs against Swamp Thing - which I review weekly here - I hadn't checked back in on the show... until last night.
So I'm counting last night as my first TRUE Bachelorette experience as it was a wild ride that was not waylaid by the love games of two people who maybe knew each other. No, as far as I understand this was the real Bachelorette experience as the newest--replacement--single woman, Tayshia Adams, made out with a series of badly suited himbos and it was magnificent.
1. Is this show really just about a woman making out with a ton of dudes?
Please forgive my lack of knowledge around this show as this is about as far from my usual beat as you can get. But honestly I couldn't believe that--when I tuned in late to the show... Swamp Thing, remember - Tayshia was at the "after-party" where she just invited different men to sit in a room and make out with her?? It was incredible. The power that she wields cannot be questioned, and while this was going on the other dudes just sat outside on garden furniture being sad that they're not the ones currently making out with her. There's definitely a lot of unresolved tension here and the boys were making allegiances like they're in Lord of the Flies, and they've already picked their Piggy... but we'll get to him later.
2. Good for her!
I literally yelled this multiple times during my watch. Tayshia was looking fab in her silk jumpsuit and just lavishing in the attention that this eclectic group of men were throwing at her. Who knew you could collect a real life harem and then have them compete for you on broadcast TV? Not me. I do know enough about this show to know it's based on a version where a man gets to play women against each other--no thank you--but without any other context this is clearly the superior version. Is Tayshia stomping on the patriarchy by making a group of adults in Men's Warehouse suits sit on benches and wait for her to bless them with her attention and kisses while she makes out with other men on an overstuffed sofa? Undoubtedly YES!
3. Chasen is a real name?
The real reason that I tuned in to the most recent episode of The Bachelorette was that a man named Chasen was religiously referring to himself as Wolverine. Apparently it was not in reference to the animal but to the classic X-Men character created by Len Wein, Roy Thomas, and John Romita Sr. Alas, by the time that I tuned in Chasen was too angry at the clear villain of the series, Noah, to bother to talk about Logan, but I did learn that Chasen is a real name. So there was that. Also, I would never have learned the magic of The Bachelorette without Chasen's strange obsession with Wolverine and Twitter reporting on it, so thanks Chasen.
4. Where do they get these suits?
Look, sure a cursory google could tell me this - actually, it didn't... the dresses, yes... but suits, no - but I just want to know where they got these ugly suits. Maybe I'm biased as I think that most standard suits are ugly, but these ones are really ugly. They seem like they don't ever really fit, it makes me itch just looking at them. Also, do they get to pick their own clothes for the other segments? Like are there whole groups of men who only wear button down shirts even when they're relaxing? Seems fake and/or uncomfortable to me tbh.
5. Which of these men will inevitably hook up?
Maybe it's because of the fact their first Bachelorette abandoned them, maybe it's because of how much they all clearly hate Noah, but there are some connections here. Many hands on each other's thighs, plenty of bro-hugs. I love platonic friendship among men as much as the next person but I also want everything to be more gay. My research tells me that on international versions of The Bachelor, women have fallen in love and left the show. So why couldn't it happen here? There are so many men and only one Tayisha. Plus, all that time sitting on those uncomfortable benches waiting for your turn must get lonely... why not turn to a friend?
6. Noah sucks!
Truly this guy is the worst. Not only is he breaking the unspoken etiquette of The Bachelorette by interrupting another guy's potential make out sessions---by jumping over fences into their dates-- but he's also just a gross person. His moustache is bad, he looks creepy when he kisses, and he's definitely out to cause as much trouble as possible. That brings us to the next point... which I am truly beginning to believe.
7. Wait a minute, is Noah a plant/producer?
IT WOULD MAKE SENSE! No one can legitimately be this annoying or want to get punched by a group of suited men this much. Plus, it would add some much needed spice to the show after the boys were mourning the loss of Claire. I'm no conspiracy theorist but it would not shock me if Noah was actually a plant or a producer they pulled in at the last minute when all the men started to bond over their shared loss and started being way too respectful.
8. Why don't the larger bachelors simply eat the smaller bachelors?
Seeing as the whole season is in a bubble this could all go very Lord of the Flies very fast. Noah has set himself up as the villain of this entry into The Bachelorette canon but this is no normal year. Sure, being a heel might seem like a way of adding longevity to your time on the show, but this is 2020 baby and the bachelors (?) bachelorette-ettes (?) have already been shunned once and they didn't take it particularly well. So don't be surprised if Noah gets sucker punched more than once and maybe even gets bum rushed by the bigger boys who are sick of his sh*t.
9. Why do none of these men wear socks with their dress shoes?
Full transparency I did think this during my original Bachelorette fiasco but still. Even though I only saw them in some suits during the "coming next week" section I have to say I find it incredibly stressful that none of them seem to wear socks with their dress shoes. Maybe they're wearing really low cut socks so they can show off those muscular ankles? It's all very Victorian and as long as they're wearing socks I can support it. Otherwise, I just can't stop fearing for the state of their bare feet in those shiny leather shoes.
10. Why didn't she give the rose to Joe?
Sorry, just on an objective level - I have eyeballs and an attraction to all genders - Joe is the only hot person on this show who also seems not annoying/like he's going to kill you! Clearly made a mistake here, my friend. Although honestly Tayisha has been a part of The Bachelor world for a while so she's probably playing a long game, especially as I refuse to believe anyone was legitimately impressed by someone (whose favorite fictional character is definitely Deadpool) allowing her to shave his moustache...even if he did only do it after she made the demand. So really it was just another dynamic power play by Tayisha. Who knows what she'll do next?
