Halloween Ends review: Michael Myers goes out with an abysmal whimper

Halloween Ends is as bad as y’all say Halloween Kills is. David Gordon Green betrays his reboot of Michael Myers and the iconic boogeyman’s stranglehold over Haddonfield with one of horror’s most flaccid trilogy culminations. This is coming from a critic who enjoyed Halloween Kills and appreciates longstanding horror franchises that take risks. 

Green’s collective of writers, including Paul Brad Logan, Chris Bernier and Danny McBride, settle on a resoundingly ill-conceived Halloween tale that delivers on almost nothing promised by both prior entries in Green’s new trilogy. If you thought the Halloween franchise has struggled with connective storytelling in the past, wait until you see how Halloween Ends disowns Halloween Kills.

Jamie Lee Curtis stars "one last time" as Laurie Strode, now four years removed from the events of Halloween Kills. Grandaughter Allyson (Andi Matichak) lives with Laurie in Haddonfield, where Allyson is a nurse and Laurie chips away at her tell-all memoir. Michel Myers is still on Haddonfield’s mind every Halloween, but he’s never returned. Citizens search for a new monster worthy of their outrage, which becomes poor Corey Cunningham (Rohan Campbell) after a freak babysitting accident. These three Haddonfield celebrities' paths cross as another Halloween looms.

The mere tip of frustrations starts with Corey Cunningham being thrust into the central focus of Halloween Ends for entirely too long. No matter your feelings on Halloween Kills, there’s a definitive ending point where the Strode women are dealt a heavy blow that you’d assume Halloween Ends might follow more closely (Judy Greer’s death). Instead, Green uses a cheap-o time jump to essentially hit the reset button on everything and ignore the Strode’s mounting bloodline arc by introducing a wholly new male character, shoving Michael under the rug and ignoring storytelling payoffs promised at the climax of Halloween Kills.

Abundantly poor narrative comprehension is on display, slamming the breaks and pulling a 180 for a trilogy capper that has no interest in continuing its "evil dies tonight" storyline until 10 minutes remain. 

Allyson is wedged into an awkward romance with misunderstood Corey, who might or might not have an even odder relationship with Michael Myers. Beloved characters like Lindsey Wallace (Kyle Richards) return only to be unceremoniously benched, while Green bumbles through Corey’s trajectory meant to highlight how evil that resides in people can’t be shaken — or is it a depiction of how society can turn good people into bad apples? 

Halloween Ends not only struggles to passionately and proficiently explain why we’re watching some new-to-franchise jabroni get his own origin story instead of a deserving Strode closer, but does an embarrassingly poor job earning its conceptual Hail Marys. It’s like if an NFL referee decided for the fourth quarter of a tie game that players would have to switch to baseball and the next home run wins.

Without getting into spoiler territory, Halloween Ends also struggles as a Halloween movie that respects the slash-and-stalk formula. Green’s desire to turn Halloween into a Lifetime special is a shambles of emotionally inept developments, hampered by the insufficient backstory building that’s skipped over thanks to the calendar leap. Laurie goes from polishing shotguns in the throes of paranoia to (poorly) baking pies as a homemaker, while Allyson freefalls into doomed relationships like we’ve missed an entire fourth Halloween entry that Green forgot to release. 

It’s all a commentary on overcoming survivor’s guilt and the warped perceptions these characters either fight or succumb to. But again, Green does a massive disservice to himself and his ambitions by pretending like we’re all up to speed with no context. The Laurie and Allyson of Halloween Ends are like aliens in flesh suits compared to their Halloween Kills counterparts. 

Even worse? Corey’s screen dominance over the Strodes is a massive distraction that never begs for our investment — yet we’re attached at his hip.

When Halloween Ends decides it actually wants to utilize The Shape (James Jude Courtney/Nick Castle), it’s not abysmal — which accounts for, give or take, 20 minutes of an otherwise sluggish 110. Where Halloween Kills is a feast of massacre sequences that outdo the last over and over, Halloween Ends makes far less of a splash. Mouthy radio DJs, aggressive high school band bullies (seriously) and weirdly overbearing mothers all meet gruesome ends, but the slasher spectacle is drown out by this Bonnie and Clyde subplot that mixes ideas from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, coming together like square pegs being slammed into circle holes. 

Halloween Ends makes a mess of who it spotlights and when, without revealing the 50 other head-scratcher storytelling duds that could take another thousand words to properly comprehend.

At least there are a handful of bloodthirsty kills along the way, severing tongues and slicing throats as a reminder that we’re still watching a Halloween movie despite our best instincts.

Halloween Ends is an unfathomably fruitless finale to a trilogy that doesn’t want to be in the same Halloween family. Its wires are crossed, intentions inept and overall approach an unintelligibly defiant response to Halloween Kills criticisms. David Gordon Green’s outro is like a franchise entry that suffers amnesia and forgets why you’re there in the first place until a few minutes before the credits roll and someone reminds the production that something is supposed to end — maybe involving Michael Myers and Laurie Strode? The movie fails its surviving characters, taints what should have been a glorious bow for Curtis and is so batty even I — a defender of films like Jason X or Seed of Chucky — can only wonder how the movie you’ll see survived any studio's process.

Halloween Ends premieres in movies October 14 around the world, as well as being available to stream on Peacock in the US.